Is Your Spouse a Narcissist?
Narcissism is a mental health condition characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy for others, and a need for excessive admiration. While it's often used colloquially to describe a selfish person, narcissism is a complex disorder with distinct patterns of behavior.
Recognizing narcissistic traits in a spouse can be difficult, as they often mask their true nature with charm and charisma. However, there are several red flags to watch for, including the following:
- Being overly critical of others
- Projecting their own insecurities onto others, especially their partner
- Believing they deserve special treatment
- Struggling to maintain healthy relationships
Divorcing a narcissist can be particularly challenging for a host of reasons. In this blog, we highlight ways they might try to control the divorce process and more.
How a Narcissist May Behave During a Divorce
Narcissists, individuals characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance and a lack of empathy, can exhibit particularly challenging behaviors during a divorce. When their perceived sense of entitlement is threatened, or they do not get their desired outcome, they may resort to manipulative tactics or lash out emotionally. These behaviors can significantly complicate the divorce process and create a stressful environment for all parties involved.
When divorcing a narcissist, you should expect them to exhibit the following behaviors:
- Aggression. A narcissistic partner may try to intimidate you or make threats to get their way during the divorce. Whether that means trying to convince you not to go through with the divorce or trying to intimidate you into making unfavorable compromises, they may act in ways that make the divorce process toxic.
- Manipulation. They may not only use threats and intimidation but may try other manipulative tactics to get their way or make you and others involved in the divorce uncomfortable. For instance, they may try to damage your reputation by sharing details of the divorce, private information, or rumors.
- Gaslighting. Narcissists may attempt to manipulate their partner's perception of reality, making them question their own sanity or memories. This can be a powerful tool for controlling the situation and maintaining power.
- Stonewalling. Narcissists may refuse to communicate or engage in meaningful discussions, instead shutting down or ignoring their partner's attempts to resolve issues. This can make it difficult to progress with the divorce process and can lead to increased tension and conflict. It is important to note that with the help of a lawyer, you can combat delaying tactics.
- Blame-shifting. Narcissists do not take ownership of their shortcomings or their actions and often blame others for their problems or the consequences of their own behavior. Engaging in this behavior reinforces just how difficult it can be if you try to negotiate with a narcissistic partner, as reaching a settlement
It is important to note that while these behaviors are common among narcissists, not all individuals with narcissistic personality disorder will exhibit them to the same degree. It is also crucial to seek professional help if you are experiencing emotional abuse or manipulation during a divorce, as it can have a significant impact on your mental and emotional well-being. Evidence of abuse, including emotional abuse, can also impact your case.
Recognizing Narcissistic Manipulation Tactics
In addition to gaslighting, common ways a spouse may try to manipulate you include the following:
- Playing the victim. In trying to avoid accountability, they often paint themselves as helpless or the party who is unfairly treated.
- Projection. Narcissists often attribute their own negative qualities or behaviors to others, deflecting blame and avoiding self-reflection.
- Love bombing. Narcissists may shower their targets with excessive affection and attention, only to withdraw it later as a form of control.
- Hoovering. After a breakup or conflict, narcissists may attempt to re-establish contact or regain control by using flattery, promises, or apologies.
- Triangulation. Narcissists may create drama or conflict between their target and others, fostering feelings of jealousy, insecurity, and dependence.
Mistakes When Divorcing a Narcissist
Below, we outline some important strategies to employ when divorcing a narcissist:
- Not having realistic expectations. Narcissists primarily look out for themselves, and their actions are driven by their desire to maintain or enhance their own power, control, and self-esteem. You shouldn’t go into a divorce with a narcissist, believing that they will work with you or be reasonable throughout the process. If they filed first, they would likely expect things to go their way and resolve quickly, and if you filed first, they would likely work to make the process as long and hard-won as possible.
- Not having a support network. You not only need to have a skilled divorce attorney in your corner but should also make sure that you have friends and family to support you throughout the process. As we mentioned, narcissists may try to intimidate or shame you outside of court, and this can include trying to rewrite the narrative of what happened and getting others to believe their version of events. Having your own allies can be important when it comes to enduring the process.
- Not setting boundaries. Having boundaries is important for any divorcing couple, and it becomes even more important when divorcing a narcissist. Whether you ask that communication go through your attorney, require all communication to be digital, or maintain physical boundaries, you should have boundaries that counteract the narcissist’s negative behaviors and that protect you.
- Relying on the other party’s cooperation. When possible, you should work with your attorney to get the information and documents you need. While you can ask your narcissistic spouse for records, you shouldn’t rely on their cooperation.
- Failing to document everything. As we mentioned, narcissists may try to gaslight you or lie. To counteract this, you should keep all your communication and keep records of things that occur. From collecting texts and emails to keeping a journal about missed custody exchanges or aggressive moments, collecting witness statements, and saving social media posts, you can use this data to expose their behavior.
- Ignoring how the divorce can affect children. It is important that you protect your own mental health and the mental health of your children. Narcissists can use children as pawns and may try to manipulate and gaslight them to cause a rift between you and your children. Children also experience a range of emotions because of parental divorce in general, so it’s important you take time to check in with your child and get them additional support when needed.
Our Attorneys Are Here to Help
The most important thing you should know is that we are here and equipped to help you. At Denver Family Lawyers, we have decades of collective experience that we can use to help protect you during your divorce.
Our attorneys represent clients in a variety of cases, including high-conflict divorces. We understand how narcissists operate and how to combat their delaying and manipulative tactics. From investigating claims to developing arguments backed by sound evidence, our team is prepared to protect your rights and interests.
Reach out to our firm online or via phone at (303) 225-3343 to get started on your case.